The Whale In Reverse

A true story I haven't told, inspired by a writing challenge from The Starfire Codes 🌟

“You come up in this when she gets to the whale in reverse.”

I remember the day of the soul retrieval ceremony where the assignment of the Blue Whale as a guardian spirit was given to me.

I asked why.

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At the time, I was nearly 30 lbs underweight due to health issues and chronic stress, but that malnourishment and shrunken state was also reflected in my mental, emotional and spiritual body.

I had shrunk myself because I was afraid of myself. I neglected myself for the same reasons. For those who have trust or intimacy issues, you will understand this: The scariest relationship I have ever been faced with developing is the one with myself.

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The answer to my question why?

“Because the Blue Whale is the largest known animal in the world. You need something big to protect you, because you are so small.”

Delivered bluntly, but delivered nonetheless.

Whales are also singers. Some of the best around here on Planet Earth if you ask me. When my spirit began to grow when I got clean from heroin in 2009, it was the fist time that I dared to vocalize the poetry I’d been writing since I was 10 years old.

I began to sing.

I expanded. I gained weight (weight that was much needed at that time!) I gained strength, my aura expanded and everything was brighter. I had a purpose. I never in my life would have dared to sing, to expose my soul and share it in such a once unthinkable way.

At the time of this soul retrieval, which was 2017, I had stopped singing.

Skinny as hell, the size of my former junkie self again, and just now returning to singing after over a year of being suicidal and in and out of hospitals on the regular, I was being reborn.. and the process was messy.

I was still very small. I had mostly done it to myself. So, I needed something big to protect me. I might have been small, but the demons I fought were larger than life.

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Then the time came when this representation was in reverse…

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It’s easy to fall into a fearful spiral in a reading, especially if whoever is reading for you leaves too much up to interpretation. We get so caught up on the messenger we lose sight of the message.

The same can be said for our purpose. Once we get into action, we can become so caught up in the vehicle of our dharma, we lose sight of the dharma completely.

A common pitfall, but one that can be easily rectified. These are reminders and gentle warnings, they are not notifications of impending doom.

Sometimes it feels that way though.

She did a reading with oracle cards on a toxic cycle I found myself at the center of, once again.

She told me I come up in this when the whale is in reverse.

She was speaking of my life-long cycle of self-sabotage.

She was speaking of the role I had been unconsciously playing in my own suffering for as long as I can remember.

The pendulum would wildly swing from shrunken-ness and self-isolation to belligerence and rage, trying to somehow avenge myself for hiding and shackling myself, yet the victims would always be the people around me.

Of course I did a number on myself, I’ve harmed myself more than anyone else has, and that’s saying a lot. But the blowback on those around me was like being a human landmine and wondering why my loved ones all bled from shrapnel.

It was me.

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The whale in reverse was a self-inflicted fall from Grace.

Of course I’d come up as the whale in reverse when she looked into the cycles of chaos and insanity.

I had shrunk, so I sought vengeance with rage. I betrayed my soul, so I demanded penance from those who never violated. I lived in a house of mirrors, thinking I was looking out a window.

I became small and stopped singing. I was not honoring that which I always was, an embodiment of Grace and fluid creativity, the energy of a water Magus, or magician.

This type of genius lives in all of us, don’t you see? But it is up to us on whether we tap into it or not.

The whale in reverse reminds me to never betray such a regal angelic power.

A humble expression of divinity in every movement and breath. A giver of harmony with every expression from the vocal cords. A communicator, a connector, a traveler, a lover and protector.

I can see and love all of these things deeply from the beloved Blue Whale.

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The question remained: Could I also see these things in me?

That card would not turn upright until I could.

So, I began.

And so it was.

I began to meditate. I closed out toxic cycles. I set boundaries. I made amends. I forgave myself for things I’d normally shame myself endlessly for. I stayed in the moment and also looked to the future.

I let people into my life. I also honored my space. I began to sing. I began to let my voice be heard. I adopted a mantra for the new year I was entering, which is:

Open Up, And Let God OUT.

This is the message I have received from the Blue Whale. To open up and let God OUT. Because the Divine is already within us. The will of our soul is Divine will.

We already have the majesty the world needs. Each one of us has gifts no one else can give besides us, and we came here to give them.

I used to say I wanted to leave life like a deflated balloon when I died, making sure I took nothing with me, that I gave everything.

I had received so much bounty from the pain and trials I survived. I gained night vision— the ability to see in the darkest places.

I was able to love beyond comprehension, and I had an ability to see into somebody’s spirit without them having to say a word.

These things cannot be bought or taught. They are gifts, and they are gifts that are meant to be given…in the same way that we are creations, and we are meant to create.

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Once I began to remember, I stopped shrinking.

My spirit and even my weight began to expand, and expressed themselves authentically and healthily.

I felt safe in my own skin again, no longer did I feel like an emaciated target who needed to have a gun on her at all times— or else.

My body was no longer a haunted house I ran from. It was a true sanctuary, and the world I lived in, an extension of the sacredness of that sanctuary I found and cultivated within.

The Blue Whale stands upright today. I am grateful for the warning when it came up in reverse, for it showed me when I was lapsing back into old cycles — not because I like pain, but for the simple fact that it was familiar. Reversals of certain cards can indicate the necessity for a leap of faith, and I am grateful for this now.

I no longer fear.

Picture taken in Nashville 2023 🌟 ♥️ I believe I was about to shoot visuals for my song “Let Em Know”.

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Shoutout to Demi at

The Starfire Codes

for this writing prompt— that’s what this article was in response to. And thank you for ALL you do and create on the regular. I am honored to have connected with you on this platform and am grateful for the chance to have shared this story.

And thank you again for the reading you did for me, I highly suggest Demi at

The Starfire Codes

if you’d like a divination reading for whatever questions or aims of life you might like insight on.

You can find Demi’s publication here: